Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
