Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
