he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
