I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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