She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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