So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
