ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
