I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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