I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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