Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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