woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
