She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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