Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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