Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
