There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The Olympian is in my bed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
