some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
