You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize