True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
