standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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