she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
