and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
