True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
