i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
