i will never coherently bang her
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
