oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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