I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
