and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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