your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Randomize
