I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
