When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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