Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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