Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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