Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
