i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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