I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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