That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
