I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
