So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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