my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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