So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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