12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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