I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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