chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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