i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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