We won't sleep together?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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