I can tuck mytits in my pants
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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