I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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