One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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