dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
