The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
