i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
