so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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