If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
