she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
